


Incorrect Eintracht Frankfurt Quotes

by Garance



Series: FootballShot [578]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Eintracht Frankfurt - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:42:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 51
Words: 12,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25937596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garance/pseuds/Garance
Summary: 10 incorrect quotes per chapter.Warnings :-A lot of jokes about Hütter.-Some former players will probably make cameos.-I still haven't accepted that Mijat and Lucas left.-I assume they're all gays.-Low key hating Dost.-Oh well Dost left and Luka came back lmao-David retired and I can't stop crying-Bring Gonça back please
Relationships: Adi Hütter & Eintracht Frankfurt Players, Ajdin Hrustic/Marijan Cavar, Almamy Touré/Evan Ndicka, André Silva/Filip Kostić, Bas Dost/Sebastian Rode, Danny da Costa/Dominik Kohr, David Abraham/Martin Hinteregger, Dejan Joveljić & Filip Kostić, Dejan Joveljić/Marijan Cavar, Erik Durm/Dominik Kohr, Frederik Rønnow/Felix Wiedwald, Frederik Rønnow/Jan Zimmermann, Fredi Bobic/Niko Kovač, Jan Zimmermann/Markus Schubert, Jürgen Klopp/Niko Kovač, Kevin Trapp/Jan Zimmermann, Luka Jović/Ante Rebić, Lukáš Hrádecký/Heinz Lindner, Lukáš Hrádecký/Jan Zimmermann, Makoto Hasebe/Daichi Kamada, Markus Schubert/Felix Wiedwald, Mijat Gaćinović/Dejan Joveljić, Niko Kovač/Ante Rebić, Steven Zuber/Stefan Ilsanker, Timothy Chandler/Gonçalo Paciência, Tuta/Aymen Barkok
Series: FootballShot [578]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1061201
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Filip** : Look, there's something I think we need to talk about.

 **Dejan** : I'm not reading the last page of that dinosaur book. I know something bad happens to them.

____________________

**Gonça, gesturing** : May I sit here?

 **Timmy :** That's my lap.

 **Gonça** : That doesn't answer my question.

_______________________

**Martin** : I've only said ''I love you'' to two people before in my entire life :

 **Martin** : David Abraham.

 **Martin :** And a dude in a dark club who I mistook for David Abraham.

____________________

**Bas** : Remember, sticks and stones may break our bones--

 **Seppl** : But chains and whips excite me!

 **Bas** :... No

___________________

**Timmy, holding two pieces of bread on either side of Gonça’s head** : What are you ?

 **Gonça, with no hesitation** : A snack

_______________________

**David** : You can’t make everyone like you. You’re not Hinti.

 **Ilse** : Not everyone likes Hinti.

 **David :** Who doesn’t ?

 **Ilse** : Well--

 **David** : Names. Now give me their names.

__________________

**Tuta** : Filip can’t be good at everything, maybe he’s a bad kisser.

 **André** : No, he’s good at that too.

 **Tuta** : What ?

 **André** : What ?

____________________

_We only came close to dying six or seven times, which I thought was pretty good._

Adi Hütter (about Europa League 19/20)

________________

_Talk shit get hit_

David Abraham (to Christian Streich)

__________________

**Niko** : Rules are made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

 **Ante** : Uh, piñatas.

 **Luka** : Glow sticks.

 **Seb** : Karate boards.

 **Mijat** : Spaghetti when you have a small pot.  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Ilse** : We're going mattress shopping.

 **Steven** : You know, once we get it, we'll have to break it in.

 **Ilse** : Oh, I hear what you're saying. Mattress Trampoline.

 **Steven** :

 **Ilse** : Wait, no. You were talking about sex.

___________________

[After Mijat and Lucas left]

 **David Abraham, standing alone in the kitchen at 3am eating cheese and alfajores while sipping from a glass of champagne** : Self Care.

_____________________

**Adi** : I don't have a favorite player. How could you even think that? All of them are of totally equal importance and worth.

 **Fredi** : It's Hinti, isn't it?

 **Adi** : I can't help it. He has those love-me-tender eyes and I'm weak.

______________________

_I may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde boy with an ass that won't quit._

Lukas Hradecky

___________________

_You really know how to put the ''dick'' in ''dictatorship''_

Mijat Gacinovic to Adolf Hütter

___________________

_These people are my friends! I've known them for twelve hours!_

Steven Zuber

___________________

**Jan** : Don't look at me like that.

 **Lukas** : Like what?

 **Jan** : Like I'm your everything.

 **Lukas** : I don't know how else to look at you.

____________________

**Filip** : You're a lying cheating peace of garbage, this isn't the man I'm dating.

 **André** : Then we'll split up. And I'm taking the kids.

 **Dejan, lifting the monopoly board :** I think we're gonna stop playing now.

___________________

**Ante** : *bursts into the room, and slams the door shut, clearly panicked*

 **Niko** : Oh god, what did you do?

 **Ante** : Nobody died!

 **Niko** : WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

_________________

**Jan** : I love you

 **Kevin** : I love you more

 **Jan, putting down his sandwich :** Some of us are trying to eat here.


	3. Chapter 3

**Dejan** : You deserved better.

 **Mijat** : Fucking right I did.

___________________

_No, I never work out. Constant stress and panic and lack of sleep and various food intolerances keep me quite thin._

Erik Durm

___________________

 **Kidnapper** : We have your son.

 **David** : Hm, my son is with me right now?

 **Kidnapper** : Then who just asked for warm chocolate milk and made us cut the crusts off his sandwich?

 **David** : Oh my god, you don't have my son. You have Lucas.

____________________

 **Bas** : I'm going to the bakery, you want something?

 **Filip and Dejan laying face down** : We want Mijat back.

 **Bas** : I've got money for 5 chouquettes I think.

_________________

 **Kevin** : I am a bad person. I am a very bad person. I am a horrible person.

 **Freddy** :

 **Felix** :

 **Jan** :

 **Kevin** : ''No you're not Kev. We still love you Kev''

_______________________

_When life gets tough it's time to do some weird shit to your hair._

Gonçalo Paciencia

_____________________

 **Filip, to the team** : And I realized, it doesn't matter where you go, there's always gonna be bitches and assholes in your life. So the only thing you can do is surround yourself with the few bitches and assholes you can actually stand being around. And for me, that's you guys.

___________________

_He's my best friend, he's like a brother to me, but he's a disaster._

David Abraham about Gonçalo Paciencia

__________________

 **Mijat** : I'm leaving you.

 **Dejan** : Where? Can I come?

__________________

 **Jan** : I hate you.

 **Kevin** : I thought you loved me.

 **Jan** : I'm multitasking.


	4. Chapter 4

**Tuta** : I like bad boys.

 **Aymen** : I don't use the safety strap of the Wii remote!

______________________

 **Seppl** : Hey! This is not the time to blame Bas!

 **Bas** : Thank you. Finally.

 **Seppl** : There will be plenty of time to blame Bas later, when this is resolved.

______________________

_It's called chemistry ; I have it with everybody._

Martin Hinteregger at some point probably

_____________________

 **David Abraham, about the team** : We started as a team. We chose to be a family. And if there's hope for us... There's hope for anyone.

____________________

 **Filip** : Someone will die.

 **Dejan** : Of Fun!

_____________________

 **Filip** : I really don't think you should drink any more coffee today.

 **Kevin** : Coffee cures depression.

 **Filip** : I don't think it works like th--

 **Kevin** : MORE EXPRESSO LESS DEPRESSO

__________________

 **Adi** : I need you to be straight with me.

 **Martin** : *nervous gay laughter*

__________________

 **Niko** : When I was small--

 **Robert** : *snorts*

 **Robert** : ''Was''

____________________

 **Gonçalo** : I kissed Timmy.

 **Johnny** : What ?! When?!

 **Gonça** : He came by our room right after you left.

 **Johnny** : I was only gone for thirsty seconds! What did you do, shine a bat symbol on your dick?!

__________________

 **Ante** : You know, Luka, I'm glad we're just keeping our anniversary simple this year.

 **Luka** : Ahah, me too *frantically waves off royal philharmonic orchestra*


	5. Chapter 5

**Adi** : I don't really mind Martin being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.

 **Fredi** : You really haven't grasped the concept of this ''gay thing'' yet, have you, Adi?

 **Adi** : Well, there must be homosexual who date women?

 **Jan** : Yeah. They're called lesbians.

________________________

 **Seppl** : I gave Dost a get better soon card.

 **Ilse** : That's surprisingly nice of you.

 **Seppl** : He wasn't sick, I just thought he should do better.

_______________________

 **Felix, quietly to himself** : Okay maybe mama DID raise a fool.

________________________

 **Martin** : How did you know I was going to propose?

 **David** : Ilse hasn't been able to look at me without crying for a month.

________________________

 **Lukas** : I made you a friendship bracelet.

 **Jan** : You know I'm not really a jewelry person.

 **Lukas** : You don't have to wear it if you don't wan--

 **Jan** : No. I'm wearing it forever. Back! Off!

_____________________

 **Gonça** : Do you think I can fit fifteen marshmallows in my mouth?

 **David** : You're a hazard to society.

 **Timmy** : And a coward. Do twenty.

________________________

 **Djibril** : ''To do is to be'' - Socrates

 **Jetro** : ''To be is to do'' - Plato

 **Ragnar** : ''Do be do be do be'' - Scooby

_____________________

 **Martin** : We're like cocoa and whipped cream.

 **David** : How?

 **Martin** : You're hot and I'm on top.

______________________

 **Kevin** : It's just so hard being perfect all the time and yet so down to earth.

 **Kevin** : Like, I've never met someone who is as great as I am and who is also so absolutely humble.

 **Jan** : *throws a boot at Kevin*

______________________

 **Erik** : Sometimes I feel like I don't fit anywhere.

 **Dom** : What are you talking about? You fit right there in my arms.

 **Erik, tearing up** : Okay.


	6. Chapter 6

**Steven** : When you said you were magical in bed, this was not what I thought you meant.

**Stefan, holding up 8 of spades** : Is this your card?

**Steven** : Holy shit.

____________________________

**Ilse** : *exists*

**Steven** : I feel attached.

**Ilse** : What?

**Steven** : I said I feel attacked by your existence.

**Ilse** : Oh, okay...

___________________________

**Ante** : One time I was late to practice and my coach made me run laps. My dad was the coach. And he drove me to practice.

**Niko** : Stop telling everyone I'm your dad.

___________________________

**Daichi** : *ordering a cake over the phone*

**Baker** : And what would you like the cake to say?

**Daichi, covering the phone** : Do we want a talking cake?

___________________________

**Niko** : I wanted to kiss you earlier.

**Jürgen** : W-Why didn't you?

**Niko** : Can't reach your face.

**Jürgen** :

__________________________

**Jan** : I've been dropping subtle hints that I like him.

**Jan** : [walks over to Kevin]

**Jan** : I can't stand you.

__________________________

**David** : Nobody's perfect.

**Martin** : *walks by*

**David** : One person is perfect.

___________________________

**Martin, drunk at a party** : I lost my friend David, have you seen him?

**Person** : What does he look like?

**Martin, crying** : Beautiful.

____________________________

[When Niko and Ante are finally reunited]

**Ante** : Hey Niko, I got you a friendship bracelet!

**Niko** : Uh, I don't really wea--

**Ante** : *handcuffs himself to Niko*

**Ante, whispering** : Stop leaving.

_____________________________

**Gonça** : [Says something bad about himself]

**Timmy** : Can you not? That's my boyfriend you're talking about.


	7. Chapter 7

**Adi** : Martin, are you a practising homosexual?

**Martin** : I don't need to practise, I'm very good at it.

________________________________

**Jan, patting Felix and Freddy on their backs** : Good job gays!

**Felix, laughing nervously** : You meant gu--

**Jan** : Did I fucking stutter?

_______________________________

**Niko** : Quick, you're losing a lot of blood, what's your type?!

**Jürgen** : Short, pretty, intelligent, you.

**Niko** : Blood type Jürgen!

**Jürgen** : Oh.

**Jürgen** : Uh, red?

_________________________________

**Kevin** : Misery loves company.

**Seppl** : You don't have to tell me that. It's the basis of our whole team.

___________________________________

**André** : Why isn't there a sad sunglasses emoji?

**André** : To show that I'm dead inside but I'm still cool.

____________________________________

**Timmy** : It's time for Plan B.

**Djibril** : We have a Plan B?

**Timmy** : No. But it's time for one.

______________________________________

**Niko** : You have no sense of fashion.

**Jürgen** : I think that depends on--

**Niko** : No, no, that wasn't a question.

_______________________________________

**Makoto, about the team** : I think I speak for all of us when I say we're irresponsible and incompetent. We're practically handicaped.

________________________________________

**Gonçalo Paciencia** : There are no straight boys. Only men who haven't met me.

_________________________________________

**Leon** : Always be positive!

**Leon** : *falls down the stairs*

**Leon** : Wow I got down the stairs so fast!


	8. Chapter 8

**Erik** : I want to be rebellious but I don't want to get in trouble.

______________________

 **Hinti** : David and I--

 **Ilse** : Are getting married?

 **Hinti** : No, we--

 **Ilse, pulling out a binder** : Sit down. I have planned out the entire thing.

_______________________

 **Jan** : -And now for a Gay Update with Frederik Rønnow.

 **Freddy** : Getting gayer.

 **Jan** : Thank you, Freddy.

_______________________

 **Adi, wearing Fredi's glasses** : How do I look?

 **Fredi, squinting** : I have no idea.

______________________

 **Niko** : I was born and raised in Germany.

 **Jürgen** : What part?

 **Niko** : All of me except my heart, it's Croatian.

_______________________

 **Hinti** : Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, David?

 **David** :... No.

 **Ilse** : I do.

 **Hinti** : I know Ilse.

 **Ilse** : I'm sad.

 **Hinti** : I know Ilse.

________________________

 **Leon** : You guys are holding hands under the table again, aren't you?

 **Lukas** : What? Of course not. I'm just checking his pulse.

 **Lukas** : *Puts two fingers over Jan's wrist*

 **Lukas** : And you have had a lot of coffee... Are you ok honey--

_______________________

 **Robby** : I DO WHAT I WANT.

 **Niko** : I'm calling mom.

 **Robby** : no wait

_____________________

 **Filip** : For 24 hours, all crimes are legal. What crimes will you be commiting?

 **Marijan** : None, because they're now legal.

 **Filip** : Listen here you little shit.

_____________________

 **Jan** : *sees someone being stupid in the distance*

 **Jan** : Pfft, what an idiot.

 **Jan** : *Realizes it's Lukas*

 **Jan** : Oh wait, that's my idiot.


	9. Chapter 9

**Steven** : Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.

_____________________________________________

**Felix** : *holds the door open for Freddy* After you.

**Freddy** : No, after you.

**Felix** : I insist, after you.

**Kevin** : *pushes past both of them* After me.

____________________________________________

**Luka** : Wow Niko, you look incredibly handsome today.

**Ante, aggressively louder** : Wow Niko, you look incredibly handsome EVERYDAY.

__________________________________________

**David** : Be careful son.

**Tuta** : You called me son! No take-backs!

_____________________________________________

**Lukas** : One day I will solve my problems with maturity. Today however, it will be with alcohol.

_____________________________________________

**André** : You're cute when you get angry.

**Filip** : *glares*

**André** : But not when you're angry with me.

____________________________________________

**Gonça** : My heart says yes.

**Gonça** : But David and Timmy say no.

______________________________________________

**Gonça** : Don't underestimate us!

**David** : Our team motto is ''Maybe we'll get lucky this time.''

_______________________________________________

**Martin** : I drink to forget but I always remember.

**Makoto** : You're drinking a Capri Sun.

_________________________________________________

**Seppl** : You're starting to forget your German. You don't practice!

**Gonça** : Entschuldigung Papa. Ich bin schwanger.

**Seppl** : You just told me you're pregnant.

**Timmy** : Congratulations! You're glowing!


	10. Chapter 10

**Seppl** : Whose turn is it to give the pep talk?

 **Dom** :... It's Ilse's.

 **Ilse** : Right. Fuck shit up out there, but don't die.

_______________________

 **Dominik** : Shit!

 **Filip** : *Gasps*

 **Filip** : *Covering Dejan's ears*

 **Filip** : Watch your motherfucking language, there's a baby here.

 **Dejan** : I can still hear you.

_______________________

 **Tuta** : What would say is your life motto?

 **Ilse** : Single and ready to mingle.

 **Hinti** : Gay and ready to play.

 **David** : Bi and ready to die.

_________________________

 **Adi** : At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?

 **Christian** : At the hands of your players?

 **Adi** : An accident.

 **Christian** : That's how they are gonna make it look.

__________________________

 **Jürgen** : How's the most handsome man in the world doing?

 **Niko, without looking up from the table** : I don't know, how are you?

 **Jürgen, voice cracking** : I'm fine.

_________________________

 **Almamy** : I'm so useless.

 **Evan** : Nah, you're not.

 **Evan** : You can be used as a bad example.

__________________________

 **Adi** : I have my own competent team.

 **Tuta** : Mr Hütter! I tried to make pasta in the coffee pot and I broke everything!

____________________________

 **Makoto** : Daich, what did I say about judging people?

 **Daichi, sadly** : Only behind their backs.

 **Makoto** : Exactly.

___________________________

 **Niko** : Is something burning?

 **Jürgen, leaning seductively on the kitchen counter** : Only my desire for you.

 **Niko** : Jürgen, the toaster is on fire.

___________________________

 **Filip** : I wish you'd just admit when you've made a mistake.

 **André** : *calmly stirring his coffee* I prefer it with salt.


	11. Chapter 11

**Adi** : How could you possibly get into this much trouble in one day?

**Aymen and Tuta** : It didn't take us the whole day.

_____________________________________

**Martin** : *sliding 10€ to bartender* I'll have the usual.

**Bartender** : *Gives him a hug*

_____________________________________

**Fredi** : Cool top, Niko !

**Jürgen, quietly** : I have a name.

**Niko** : *chokes*

_____________________________________

**Ilse** : I'm gonna need you to stay calm.

**Steven** : I'm just gonna stay angry. I find that relaxes me.

____________________________________

##  _You're my family and I love you, but you're terrible. You're all terrible._

David Abraham (to his teammates)

___________________________________

**Ilse, to Hinti** : Hey... Are you and David dating?

**Hinti, head resting on David's lap** :... What gives you that impression?

____________________________________

**Djibril** : I can't imagine Adi with a sex life.

**Ilse** : Wtf Djibi...

**Djibril, in creepy Adi voice** : Change formation from 352 to 4141.

**Ilse** : *spits out his coffee*

____________________________________

**Hinti** : If I punch myself and it hurts, am I weak or strong?

**Ilse** : Strong.

**Steven** : Weak.

**David** : An idiot.

_______________________________________

**André** : You'd do that for me?

**Filip** : I'd do a lot of things to you.

**André** : For... For me.

**Filip** : Yeah. That too.

________________________________________

**Djibril** : What are the healthiest teas?

**Makoto** : Honesty, integrity and loyalty.

**Djibril** : Can you ever give me a normal answer?


	12. Chapter 12

**Freddy** : I'm doomed!

**Bas** : Well, you lived a good life, right?

**Freddy** : I'm only in my twenties!

**Bas** : I said good, not long.

_____________________________________________

[Skipping stones by a lake]

**Ilse** : This is so nice!

**Steven, whispering** : Take that you fucking lake.

_____________________________________________

**Daichi** : *eating cinnamon rolls*

**Makoto** : Cannibalism.

**Daichi** : *confused chewing*

_______________________________________________

**Hinti** : I wasn't that drunk last night.

**David** : You tried to colour my face with a highlighter because you said I was ''important''.

**Hinti, sniffling** : BUT YOU ARE!

________________________________________________

**Kevin** : Wow it sure is beautiful tonight.

**Jan** : You know what else is beautiful?

**Kevin, blushing** : Who?

**Jan** : Lukas Hradecky.

________________________________________________

**Almamy** : Have I ever let you down?

**Evan** : Do you want me to answer or just glare?

_______________________________________________

**Filip** : I'm sorry that I called you an asshole. I thought you knew.

________________________________________________

**Someone** : *does something*

**André** : *gay judgement*

________________________________________________

**Ante** : And how exactly do you plan to stop me?

**Seb** : I'll call Niko.

**Ante** : *shocked gasp*

_______________________________________________

**Ante** : Hey what does ''Y/N'' means?

**Mijat** : ''Your name''.

**Ante, back to reading** : Ante staring at Ante's eyes.


	13. Chapter 13

**Aymen** : Why is Marc always doing the laundry so loudly?

**Nils** : So everyone knows that no one helps in this house.

**Marc in the distance** : [Slams the washing machine shut]

____________________________________________

**André** : Beauty is in the eyes of whoever is looking at me.

_____________________________________________

**Someone** : Daichi what do you want to do with your life?

**Daichi** : Wtf that's gross I'm 10

______________________________________________

**Freddy** : What are you doing ?

**Kevin, digging through a jar of M &M’s and putting some in a separate bowl** : Jan really likes the green one, so I’m separating them.

**Freddy** : Aww, that’s so sweet !

**Kevin** : What ? No, I plan to eat them in front of him and then run.

_______________________________________________

**Adi** : What do you want for dinner ?

**Ilse** : Updog.

**Martin** : *Dabs*

**Ilse** : No, wait until he asks what it is.

________________________________________________

**David** : This is not gonna work.

**Gonça** : Why didn’t you say before ?

**David** : I DID say so before !

_________________________________________________

**Ilse** : Don’t do anything stupid before I get back.

**Hinti** : How can I ? You’re taking all the stupid with you.

__________________________________________________

**Nils** : Can I get some advice?

**Dominik** : I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

__________________________________________________

**Danny** : Are you a big spoon or a little spoon?

**David** : I'm a knife.

**Martin, from across the room** : He's a little spoon!

__________________________________________________

**Timmy** : Gonça and I have that sort of easy going Chemistry where we finish each other's-

**Gonça** : Sentences.

**Timmy** : Please don't interrupt me.


	14. Chapter 14

**Marco** : You use sarcasm to distance people.

**Alex** : And yet you're still here.

_____________________________________________

**Marijan** : Do you have a bandaid, bro?

**Dejan** : Yeah, bro. Why?

**Marijan** : I scraped my knee falling for you, bro.

**Dejan** : B r o.

____________________________________________

**Steven** : If you choke on water, you fail at two of the most basic tasks, drinking and breathing.

**Ilse, coughing** : Shut up, I'm trying my best.

____________________________________________

**Timmy** : I hope you're not going to do anything stupid.

**Gonça** : I hope you're not hoping too much.

____________________________________________

**Felix** : Can any of you recommend me a book that made you cry?

**Dejan** : Grade one Mathematics, 6th Edition.

_____________________________________________

**Timmy** : You can't tell anyone yet.

**Gonça** :... I just told André.

**André** : I just told Aymen.

**Aymen** : And I just told many, many people.

_______________________________________________

**Person** : Don't be bitter. Be better.

**Felix** : That's where you're mistaken, fool. I can multitask and excel at both.

_______________________________________________

**Lukas** : My head hurts.

**Heinz** : That's your brain trying to comprehend it's own stupidity.

_________________________________________________

**Hinti** : My teacher was asking kids ''Did you get anything for Valentine's Day?'' If a kid said no, she put candy on their desk. When she got to me, she didn't even ask and she just put it on my desk.

**David** : *tries not to cry while hugging him*

___________________________________________________

**David** : Okay, if everyone's finished being stupid.

**Gonça** : I had more, but you have a point.


	15. Chapter 15

**Evan** : Tout est de ta faute !

**Bas** : I know, I know.

**Evan** : You speak French?

**Bas** : No, I just know the phrase ''this is all your fault'' in every language.

_________________________________________

**David** : Ilse, it's six in the morning. Did someone glue you to the fridge?

**Ilse** : No.

**David** : Did you glue yourself to the fridge?

**Ilse** :... Yes.

__________________________________________

**Niko, with a large box in his hands** : What would say if I came home one day with 4 puppies?

**Robert** :

**Robert** : What's in the box?

**Niko** :

**Robert** : Niko what's in the box?

**Niko** : I think you know.

__________________________________________

**Jan, watching Kevin from the bench as Kevin struggles through yet another game** : I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with him.

**Felix** : Well, you don't have to.

**Jan** : No, I'm gonna.

___________________________________________

**Fredi** : I want to wake up with you for the rest of my life.

**Niko** : I wake up at 5am.

**Fredi** :

**Fredi** : I want to go to bed with you for the rest of my life.

_____________________________________________

**André** : I take very good care of myself, I treat my body like a temple.

**Filip** : Yeah, open to everyone day and night.

______________________________________________

**Freddy** : *Laying on the ground, crying*

**Felix** : What's wrong with Freddy?

**Kevin** : He took a ''which SGE player is your soulmate'' quiz.

**Felix** : Okay? And?

**Kevin** : He got Jan.

_______________________________________________

**André** : Everyone has a weakness.

**André** : I, personally, am tragically talented and good looking.

________________________________________________

**Makoto** : Baby.

**Daichi** : Yes?

**Makoto** : Nothing, I just wanted to call you baby.

_________________________________________________

**Timmy** : I just wanna hear those three little words.

**Gonça** : I love you.

**Timmy** : That's sweet, but try again.

**Gonça** : Fine. I will behave.

**Timmy** : There we go.


	16. Chapter 16

**David** : Hinti texted me ''Your adorable'' so I texted him back and said ''No, YOU'RE adorable''

 **Gonça** : And?

 **David** : And now we're dating. We've been on six dates. All I did was point out a typo, but I like him so I'm not gonna say anything. 

___________________________

 **Jürgen** : What do you think of Thiago?

 **Niko** : Watch him before he stabs you in the back.

 **Jürgen** :... Seriously Niko.

 **Niko** : I'm not joking. 

___________________________

 **Mijat** : What was the dumbest thing you believed as a child?

 **Filip** : That I was straight. 

_______________________________

 **Luka** : When we were in U21, I had a crush on a boy in our team and didn't know how to deal with it, so I wrote him a letter that just said ''Get out of my team''

 **Filip** :...

 **Mijat** :...

 **Ante** :...

 **Dejan** :...

 **Dejan** : Wait that was you?

_______________________________

 **Seppl** : I could strangle you.

 **Bas** : I'm taller than you.

 **Seppl, rolling up his sleeves** : You're sunk slow enough for me to reach.

________________________________

_Not wearing glasses anymore. I've seen enough._

Niko Kovač, at some point probably.

________________________________

 **Dom** : At some point when Danny and I were flirting but not quite in a relationship, he asked me how I felt about pet names.

 **Dom** : To which I replied, ''well you have to call them something''

 **Dom** : The fact that I have managed to end up in a relationship at all is really testament to my boyfriend's patience. 

_________________________________

 **Almamy** : What's my sexuality? Well I guess you could say I don't give any fucks.

 **Evan** :...

 **Evan** : Is that your way of coming out as ace?

 **Almamy** : Yeah, that's pretty much all I got. 

_________________________________

 **Filip** : Dejan, why are you holding Marijan's hand?

 **Dejan** : Holding hands relieves stress and provides comfort.

 **Filip** : Oh I thought you were dating or something.

 **Dejan** : We are, I thought that part was obvious.

 **Filip** : 

___________________________________

 **Bas** : Go on, don't be shy, ask me out.

 **Seppl** : Okay, get out.


	17. Chapter 17

**Gonça** : I don't let my sexuality define me.

**Also Gonça** : Move, I'm gay!

_________________________________________

**Martin** : I'm here

**Ilse** : I'm queer

**Steven** : I live in fear

**Djibril** : I like deer!

**David** :... And I'm sorry to everyone who has to deal with these idiots I call friends.

_____________________________________________

**Filip** : Got a hot date?

**André** : No, but my date does.

**Filip** : *offended noises*

________________________________________________

**Mijat** : Everyone stop arguing and help with this crossword. I need a 9 letter word for ''disappointment''.

**Erik** : Hm... Adi Hütter

**Mijat** :

**Mijat** : It fits.

_______________________________________________

**Timmy** : There are no snacks left in the kitchen.

**Gonça** : I'm literally right here.

___________________________________________________

**David** : Once, Hinti smiled at me and I had to visit the clinic just to make sure I wasn't pregnant.

___________________________________________________

**Gonça** : I sleep with a knife under my pillow.

**Ragnar** : Weak. I sleep with a gun under my pillow.

**André** : You both are pathetic.

**Ragnar** : Oh yeah? What killer weapon do you sleep with, Mr. Badass?

**André** : Filip.

_______________________________________________________

**Steven** : Is it okay that I don't hate you like I hate most people?

**Ilse, laughing softly** : Yeah. Yeah, that's okay by me.

_________________________________________________________

**Dejan** : A mosquito tried to bite me so I slapped it away killing it.

**Dejan** : And then I started thinking... It was just trying to get food, right?

**Dejan** : What if I went to the fridge one day and just slammed the door shut, snapping my neck?

**Filip** :...

_____________________________________________________________

**Luka** : You make me so angry!

**Ante** : Oh please, you wouldn't hurt a fly.

**Luka** : You're right because a fly is an innocent creature that never knowingly did anything to anybody. You, however, I would maim.


	18. Chapter 18

**Makoto** : You know Martin, after one year and a half I still always think I know what will come out of your mouth next, but I never do.

**Martin** : Yeah, neither do I.

__________________________________

_How was I supposed to know there'd be consequences for my actions?_

David Abraham after hitting Streich

__________________________________

_Sometimes I feel like everyone on this team is an idiot. And by sometimes, I mean all times. All the times. Every of the time._

Marco Russ, probably.

________________________________

#  _He has a square jaw, and teeth like a military cemetery. His hair is perfect, and we all hate, and despair, and love that perfect hair in equal mesure. He grinned, and everything about him was perfect, and I fell in love instantly._

André Silva, about Filip Kostić

____________________________

**Daichi** : I relate to Belle because she loves to read books and loves people for their souls.

**Dominik** : I relate to Tinker Belle because she needs attention or she dies.

________________________________

**Gonça** : Hey, what if I poured mate into my cereals instead of milk?

**David, grabbing the mate as he walks by** : Hey what if you don't.

_________________________________

##  _The only thing I am guilty of is feeling too much. And hitting Streich. But in my defense, I believe assault should be legal if a person is a jerk._

David Abraham

__________________________________

**Adi** : Could you pass the salt?

**Erik** : *throws Dominik Kohr across the table*

_____________________________________

**Aymen** : Would you consider us adorable?

**Tuta** : No, we're adult men. We're cute.

_____________________________________

**Timmy** : My greatest weakness? Occasionally, I give a damn.


	19. Chapter 19

**Seppl, to Bas** : Everytime you talk, I hear that sound that plays when Pac Man dies.

________________________________

**Dejan** : Wow, it's pretty dark in here, I mean...

**Filip** :

**Dejan** : I'm not scared or anything.

**Filip** :

**Dejan** : I'm not scared or anything. Nothing at all. Especially not the dark.

**Filip** : Do you want me to hold your hand?

**Dejan** : Yes, please.

__________________________________

**Mijat** : *gets mad and starts yelling*

**Filip** : I didn't know so much rage could fit in such a small person.

___________________________________

**Dejan** : Fuck!

**Filip** : Language.

**Dejan** : English.

_____________________________________

**Filip** : I like dark humor.

**Dejan** : Ah...

**Dejan, turning off the lights** : Why did the chicken cross the road?

_____________________________________

**Daichi** : *sniffles*

**Makoto** : Daichi, you okay ?

**Daichi** : *sniffles again*

**Makoto, hugging him** : If there's anything that upsetting you, you can always come and talk to me... Cheer up.

**Daichi** : Hm... I have a cold.

**Makoto** :

**Makoto** : If anyone finds out what happened in the last few minutes, no one will find you again.

_____________________________________

**Hütter** : All right listen up you little shits.

**Hütter** : Not you Hinti. You're an angel and we're delighted to have you here.

_____________________________________

[On the Frankfurt groupchat]

**André** : The first one to replay is gat

**André** : gay*

**André** : Wait...

_________________________________________

**Tuta** : In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

**David** : Wasn't Aymen with you?

**Aymen** : In my defense, I was left unsupervised too.

__________________________________________

**Djibril** : Is there a word that's a mix between sad and mad?

**Danny** : Disgruntled, miserable, desolated...

**Ilse** : Smad.


	20. Chapter 20

[After the 2018/2019 season]

 **Kevin** : We sure had quite a year.

 **Timmy** : What are you talking about? It's May.

___________________________

 **David** : Is that my shirt?

 **Martin, wearing a shirt that goes to his knees** :... No.

____________________________

 **Bas** : I heard you like bad boys.

 **Seppl** : Yeah.

 **Bas** : Well I'm bad at everything.

 **Bas** : *proceeds to fall down the stairs*

______________________________

 **Kevin** : Jan has a good heart.

 **Felix** : Yes, I've noticed you staring at his ''good heart''

______________________________

 **Tuta, to David** : Thanks, Dad.

 **Tuta** : Why is everyone staring at me?

 **Martin** : You just called David ''dad''. You said ''thanks Dad.''

 **Tuta** : What? No, I didn't. I said ''Thanks, man''.

 **David** : Do you see me as a father figure, Tuta?

 **Tuta** : No, if anything, I see you as a bother figure because you're always bothering me.

 **Gonça** : Hey! Don't talk to your father that way!

________________________________

_When I die, I want my teammates to lower me into my grave, so they can let me down one last time._

Kevin Trapp

_______________________________

 **Erik** : Okay, so tell me, when exactly will I be allowed to hang out with Dom?

 **Danny** : When I'm dead. Plus three days. Just to make sure I'm dead.

____________________________

 **Seb** : Looks like it's going to be another hot day.

 **Luka** : Yes, good practice for Hell.

____________________________

[In London for the game against Arsenal]

 **Dejan** : Oowee! I can't believe we're at Hogwarts!

 **Filip** : No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. Do you know that? It's important to me that you know that.

_____________________________

 **David** : Here's what I know about women : They confuse and terrify me.


	21. Chapter 21

**Almamy** : I hate men.

 **David** : Good, more for me.

_________________________________________

**Makoto** : What did I tell you about lying?

**Daichi, sadly** : That it only works on Nils.

__________________________________________

**Kevin** : The players always accuse me of having a favorite field player. It's not true, I love Filip and not-Filip equally.

___________________________________________

*Bas' birthday party*

**Seppl** : Sorry I'm late.

**Bas** : What happened?

**Seppl** : Nothing, I just really didn't want to come.

____________________________________________

**Ilse** : Hi, I'm Stefan. Stefan Ilsanker.

**Steven, quietly** : Stefan Ilspanker.

_____________________________________________

**Evan** : I had a dream about you.

**Almamy** : Aww, you did?

**Evan** , **nodding** : Yeah, I was beating the shit out of you.

______________________________________________

**Dominik** : I guess I'm just too tough to cry.

**Danny** : Just today, you were crying about snakes.

**Dominik** **,** **with** **tears** **in** **his** **eyes** **:** Theydon'thaveanyarms!

_______________________________________________

[5 minutes before kick off]

**Timmy** : We're a team, right? Ride or die!

**Gonça** : Sure, I'd totally ride you.

**Timmy** : What?

**Gonça** : What?

**André, tying his shoes** : He said he'd totally ride you.

____________________________________________________

**Steven** : Send dudes.

**Ilse** :

**Ilse** : You mean nudes?

**Steven** : No, I'm in a fight. I need more men.

Steven : Nudes would be nice too.

___________________________________________

**Kevin** : What's wrong with Ante? He's been laying on the floor for 15 minutes.

**Seb** : He's a little overwhelmed.

**Kevin** : Why?

**Seb** : Luka giggled.


	22. Chapter 22

**Aymen** : I've had a thought.

**Tuta** : Oh no...

**Aymen** : I swear it's a good one this time!

_________________________________________

**Ilse** : Fuck, Marry, Kill. Me, Martin and Sebastian.

**Steven** : Marry you, Fuck Martin and Kill Dominik.

**Dominik** : I wasn't even one of the options, what the fuck...

__________________________________________

**Jan** : Why are you standing on a fridge?

**Freddy** : I CAN STAND ON WHATEVER I WANT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

**Jan** :

**Jan** : Where's the spider?

**Freddy, with a small voice** : It's under the table...

_____________________________________________

**Martin** : You're so tall, Jan. What can you see up there?

**Jan** : Everyone's flaws.

________________________________________________

**André** : Don't panic, I'm in charge.

**Djibril** : That's why we're panicking.

__________________________________________________

**Dejan** : I'd like you both to remember how much you adore me and how dull your lives would be without me in them.

**Filip** :

**André** :

**Filip** :... What did you do?

_____________________________________________________

**David** : I'm dad inside.

**David** : I meant dead.

**David** : *looks over at Tuta, Nils, Aymen and the others*

**David** : No, I didn't.

______________________________________________________

**Kevin** : *sneezes*

**Jan** :

**Kevin** : You're not even gonna say ''Bless you''?

**Jan** : I'm sitting here with you. You've clearly been blessed already.

______________________________________________________

**Adi** : I am at a loss for words.

**Dom** , **later** : Despite being lost for words, Hütter yelled at me for the next 45 minutes.

_______________________________________________________

**Martin** : You have beautiful eyes.

**Ilse** : Thanks, I need them to see.


	23. Chapter 23

**Gonça** : For the millionth time, Timmy and I are just friends.

**Danny** : *Sneezes*

**Danny** : Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

____________________________________________

**Filip** : Hey, you're okay Dejan?

**Dejan** : Yeah, it's just these onions.

**Filip** , **to** **onions** : What the fuck did you say to Dejan?

_____________________________________________

**Kevin** : There is nothing worse than hearing people attempt to sound intelligent by using lengthy words incorrectly.

**Ilse** : I completely photosynthesize with this.

______________________________________________

**Dejan** : Why are you single?

**Marijan** : Because I have a strict dad.

**Marijan** : Why are you single?

**Dejan** : Because you have a strict dad.

________________________________________________

**Gonça** : David is my best friend.

**Johnny** : I thought that was Timmy?

**Gonça** : No, Timmy's my boyfriend.

**Timmy** , **blushing** **and** **choking** **on** **his** **drink** : Since when? Not that I'm upset, I'd just like to know.

**Gonça** , **frowning** : I knew there was something I forgot to do last year...

__________________________________________________

**Dejan** : Are you currently seeing anyone?

**Marijan** : No?

**Dejan** : Holy shit I'm right here, you must be blind.

_____________________________________________________

**Makoto** : Having something or someone to care for can improve your mental health.

**David** : Like a kid?

**Makoto** : I was thinking of a plant--

**David** : Because I already have Tuta and that isn't helping my mental health at all.

_______________________________________________________

**Luka** : What do you get when you mix a hormorally unbalanced emotionally unstable person with a little ray of sunshine?

**Ante** : Do I look like I know?

**Luka** : I'm talking about you and Niko.

________________________________________________________

**Dejan** : Bro, are your feet tired?

**Marijan** : Yeah, Bro. How'd you know?

**Dejan** : Because you've been walking through my mind all day, Bro.

__________________________________________________________

**Gonça** : Carpe diem - Seize the day.

**Felix** : Carpe noctem - Seize the night.

**André** : Carpe natem - Seize the ass.

**Filip** : Seriously if you guys don't stop this, I am going to Carpe someone's neck and break it.

**Gonça** : Carpe collum - Seize the neck.


	24. Chapter 24

**Martin** : *sees tall person*

**Martin's Brain** : Jump in their arms.

**Martin** : Why?

**Martin's Brain :** You Gotta.

**Martin** : *Immediately complies*

_____________________________________________

**Ilse** : What's your favorite cop movie?

**Steven** : Robocop. It's got everything I like : Gratuitous violence.

**Ilse** : Oh, I thought you were listing things.

**Steven** : I was. I'm done.

_______________________________________________

**Kevin** : Here you go, nice hot cup of coffee.

**Filip** : It's cold.

**Kevin** : Nice cup of coffee.

**Filip** : It's horrible.

**Kevin** : Cup of coffee.

**Filip** : I'm not even sure this is coffee.

**Kevin** : Cup.

_________________________________________________

**Ante** : I mean, small creatures are way more vicious when angered. It's because their anger has less space to be bottled up in.

**Mijat** : That can't be right! Give me one good example.

**Ante** : Wasps.

**Ante** : Terriers.

**Ante** : You.

_____________________________________________________

**André, stroking Filip's hair** : You're so cute.

**Filip, sleepily** : I could beat the shit out of you.

**André, lovingly** : I know.

______________________________________________________

**Bas** : You remind me of the ocean.

**Seppl** : Because I'm deep and mysterious?

**Bas** : No, because you're salty and you scare people.

________________________________________________________

**Makoto** : Is that a hickey?

**Gonça** : No, it's a mosquito bite.

**Timmy, entering the room** : Hey, gu--

**Makoto** : Hey, mosquito.

__________________________________________________________

**Gonça** : You look tired.

**David** : Yeah, I'm tired of your shit.

___________________________________________________________

**Kevin** : I can't believe you and Freddy broke the bed last night.

**Jan** : It must have been wild.

**Felix** : Ahah... Yeah...

[Last Night]

**Felix** : Bet you can't jump high enough to touch the ceiling!

**Freddy** : Try me.

_________________________________________________________________

**Adi** : Dominik, can I speak to you for a minute? In private.

**Dom** : Oooh, someone's in trouble!

**Adi** :

**Dom** : It's me. I don't know why I did that.


	25. Chapter 25

**Gonça** : I hate going into the kitchen to find out I'm the only snack in the house.

__________________________________________________

**Steven** : In your opinion, what's the height of stupidity?

**Timmy, yelling** : Hey Gonça, how tall are you?

____________________________________________________

**Fredi** : I think I'm falling for you. *winks*

**Niko** : Get up.

______________________________________________________

**Luka** : You're pretty cute when you're nice.

**Ante** : What am I when I'm not nice?

**Luka** : Hot as fuck.

______________________________________________________

**Bas** : You should lock your door. There's horrible people out there.

**Seppl** : There's horrible people right in here.

_______________________________________________________

**Gonçalo** , **looking** **at** **his** **long** **hair** : I just shouldn't be allowed to make decisions anymore.

________________________________________________________

**Ante** : I'm willing to do a lot of things.

**Ante** : But admitting to Niko that I'm cold after he told me to bring a jacket isn't one of them.

__________________________________________________________

**Lukas** : Truth or dare?

**Jan** : Truth.

**Lukas** : I dare you to kiss me.

**Jan** : *kisses Lukas*

**Leon** : HE DIDN'T EVEN CHOOSE DARE!

_____________________________________________________________

**Filip** : Mijat's a really good laser tag partner. He's tiny so he's allowed to push kids.

_________________________________________________________

**Danny** : Dom, what are you doing?

**Dom** : Making chocolate pudding.

**Danny** : It's 4am. Why are you making chocolate pudding?

**Dom** : Because I've lost control of my life.


	26. Chapter 26

**Hinti** : I'm thinking a spring wedding or maybe autumn. I don't want it to be too cold though.

**David** : Hinti, we aren't even engaged.

**Hinti** : SO THAT'S WHAT I FORGOT TO DO LAST NIGHT.

______________________________________________

**Tuta** : I have conquered my fear of ghosts.

**Aymen** : That's the spirit.

**Tuta** : Oh fuck where?

_______________________________________________

**Djibril** : Why does everyone always assume Seppl is the one who has a plan? Maybe someone else has a plan?

**Seppl** : Please, go ahead.

**Djibril** : Oh no, that was hypothetical. I got nothing.

_________________________________________________

**Seppl** : 99,9% of people here are stupid.

**Seppl** : I'm the 1%.

**Bas** : Don't you mean 0.1%?

**Seppl** :

___________________________________________________

**David** : Honestly, when I'm walking down the street no one's ever like ''Hey, look it's David Abraham!''

**David** : I think they're just like, ''Whoaw ! That tall child looks tired! Get some rest, tall child! You can't keep burning the candle at both ends!''

_____________________________________________________

**Erik** : I have a medical condition alright! It's called caring too much and it's incurable!

______________________________________________________

**Timmy** : Hey, wanna hear something dirty?

**Gonça** : Always.

**Timmy** : The kitchen?

**Gonça** : What?

**Timmy** : You didn't do the dishes last night.

_______________________________________________________

**André** : I have a black belt.

**Filip** : In judo?

**André** : From Gucci.

________________________________________________________

**Steven** : I like your new shirt!

**Ilse** : Thanks, it was 50% off!

**Steven** : I'd like it better if it was 100% off *winks*

**Ilse** : The store can't just give away clothes for free.

**Steven** : That's not--

**Ilse** : That's a terrible way to run a business Steven!

__________________________________________________________

**Aymen** : Are we friends again?

**Tuta** : No.

**Aymen** :

**Tuta** : We're brothers.

**Aymen** : That was terrifying, don't pause like that!


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm late lol i'm sorry

**Luka** : Damn, you're sneaky!

**Mijat** : Yeah, but I'm small, so it's adorable.

______________________________________________

**Gonça** : Hey, David? Can I get some dating advice?

**David** : Just because I'm with Hinti, doesn't mean I know how I did it.

______________________________________________

**Erik** : I've only slept 10 hours.

**Dom** : That's not bad!

**Erik** : In the last 5 days.

**Dom** : Nevermind...

_______________________________________________

**Niko** : My boyfriend is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?

**Adi** : Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.

**Ante** : Tackle him.

**Robert** : Dump him.

**Fredi** : Kick him in the shin.

**Jürgen** : NO TO ALL OF THOSE. JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN.

____________________________________________________

**Jan** : Name one fragrance commercial that has ever made sense.

**Kevin** : What are you talking about? They all make scents.

**Jan** : Shut the fuck up.

______________________________________________________

**Steven** : You made an enemy this Friday.

**Dom** : It's Thursday.

**Steven** : Good to know.

_________________________________________________________

**Martin** : I'm gay and stupid. That's all I am. God looked at my tiny frame and said ''You're going to be a little gay moron'' then released me into the world.

__________________________________________________________

**Dejan** : I'm powerful. I'm a rebel. I make my own rules and listen to no one else but myself.

**Filip** : Dej, come here for a second.

**Dejan** : I'm coming big bro.

___________________________________________________

**Danny** : Felix, truth or dare ?

**Felix** : Dare.

**Danny** : Kiss the cutest person in the room.

**Felix** : Dominik?

**Dominik** : Y-yes?

**Felix** : Move over, I need to get to Freddy.

_______________________________________________________

**Gonça** : Can we get two straws with this milkshake?

**Timmy** : Aww Gonça that's so swe--

**Gonça** : Look how fast I can drink this!


	28. Chapter 28

**Hinti** : My dearest Aymen, my favorite human! My most knowledgeable friend! My--

 **Aymen** : What meme do you want me to explain this time?

____________________________________________________

 **Steven** : *over the phone with Ilse, talking seductively* So, uh, what are you wearing?

 **Ilse** : A blazer and jeans.

 **Steven** : You're not very good at this.

 **Ilse** :... Miss-matched socks?

________________________________________________________

 **Evan** : Do you speak French?

 **Hinti** : I have seen a few scenes of that candlestick speaking in Beauty and the Beast.

__________________________________________________________

 **Ante** : I'm friendly, I'm loyal, I'm energetic. I... I just described a dog, didn't I?

 **Seb** : Well, yeah. But people love dogs.

___________________________________________________________

 **Timmy** : I need you to swear--

 **Gonça** : Fuck.

 **Timmy** :

 **Gonça** :

 **Timmy** : I meant a promise, but okay.

_____________________________________________________________

 **Niko** : It's cold out here.

 **Jürgen** : Here, take my jacket.

 **Adi** :... I'm cold too.

 **Fredi** : Well damn Adi, I can't control the weather.

________________________________________________________

 **Gonça** : I'm quick at maths.

 **Timmy** : Alright, what's 39 times 19?

 **Gonça** : 42.

 **Timmy** : That wasn't even close.

 **Gonça** : No, but I was quick.

___________________________________________________________

 **Freddy** : Felix you're a genius!

 **Felix** : Thanks. I get called that a lot.

 **Freddy** : What? A genius?

 **Felix** : No, Felix.

_____________________________________________________________

 **Hinti** : Dav, have you ever been with a woman?

 **David** : The only thing I've ever been with a woman is annoyed.

_______________________________________________________________

 **Jürgen** : Come on, I didn't drink that much last night.

 **Pep** **Lijnders** : You were flirting with Niko.

 **Jürgen** : So what? He's my boyfriend.

 **Pep** : You asked him if he was single. And cried when he said he wasn't.


	29. Chapter 29

**André** : Don't break someone's heart, they only have one of those.

**Filip** : Yeah break their bones, they have 206 of those.

_________________________________________________

**Kevin** : I don't dress to impress, I dress to depress.

**Kevin** : I want to look so good that people hate themselves.

__________________________________________________

**Lukas** : When I was younger, I tried to start a gang.

**Leon** : How did that go?

**Lukas** :... It turned into a book club.

____________________________________________________

**Steven** : You need to make them think you're stronger than you actually are.

**Aymen** : That's what you do?

**Steven** : Me? Oh, no. My power is no illusion. I can fucking demolish you.

_____________________________________________________

**Dejan** : Jail is no fun, I'll tell you that.

**Marijan** : You've been?

**Dejan** : Once... In monopoly.

_______________________________________________________

*On phone*

**David** : Hello?

**Person** : It's Gonçalo.

**David** : What did he do this time?

**Person** : No, it's me, Gonçalo.

**David** : What did you do this time?

_________________________________________________________

**Ilse** : How do you like your coffee?

**Steven** : As dark and bitter as my soul.

**Ilse** : So as white chocolate mocha?

_________________________________________________________

**Gonça** , **flexing** **his** **arms** : You see these arms?

**Gonça** : Wii Sports Resort.

___________________________________________________________

**Ante** : How do I turn emotions off?

**Mijat** : Okay first you go into settings--

**Mijat** : I am so dumb, I thought you said emojis.

**Ante** : No, wait, I still want to try this, what's the next step?

_____________________________________________________________

**Felix** : Close your eyes bro.

**Freddy** : Alright, bro.

**Felix** : What do you see, bro?

**Freddy** : Nothing, bro.

**Felix** : That's my life without you, bro.

**Freddy, holding back tears** : B r o.


	30. Chapter 30

**Frankfurt's** **team** **about** **Paciandler** : Hey guys. I just discovered a new drug. It's called ''Your relationship'', and I'm high on it.

___________________________________________

**Makoto** : *Picks up Daichi*

**Daichi** : Do I even weight anything to you?

**Makoto** : No. It's like holding a couple of grapes.

____________________________________________

**Timmy** : Can I just say - and this is really important so I need everyone to shut up - I love your hair.

**Gonça** : Thank you. It's genetic and unattainable.

_____________________________________________

**Steven** : I only feel one emotion and it's anger.

**Ilse** : Last night you were drunk, and you texted me a thousand heart emojis.

**Steven** : Out of anger.

______________________________________________

**Dejan** : Bro.

**Marijan** : What bro?

**Dejan** : Tell the whole world we're bros.

**Marijan** , **whispering** : We're bros.

**Dejan** : Why'd you whisper bro?

**Marijan** : Because you're my whole world bro.

**Dejan** : B R O.

__________________________________________________

**Lukas** : Wait, I'm having one of those things! You know, a headache with pictures?

**Heinz** : An idea?

__________________________________________________

**Filip** : So what brings you to Serbia?

**André** : Cruise ship!

**Filip** : We're a landlocked country.

**André** : Yeah, well, it's an amazing cruise ship.

__________________________________________________

**Kevin** : Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

____________________________________________________

**Djibril** : Gonça, we need a plan of attack!

**Gonça** : I have a Plan : Attack!

___________________________________________________

**Bas** : I thought we were having a moment.

**Seppl** : I was having 12% of a moment.


	31. Chapter 31

**Dom** : You mock my pain!

**Danny** : Life *is* pain, Dom. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

_______________________________________________________________

*Before a 5-a-side match*

**Ilse** : Surrender!

**Steven** : You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.

_________________________________________________________________

**Ilse** : We need to remember what's important in life. Friends, Schnitzels, and work. Or Schnitzels, Friends, work. It doesn't matter. But work is third.

___________________________________________________________________

**Seppl** : When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.

**Bas** : That's a genius move.

**Seppl** : Thank you.

**Bas** : You're welcome, Dominik.

_____________________________________________________________________

*After a long day of training*

**Ajdin** : Good night, guys. Good work, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

______________________________________________________________________

**Gonça** : Timmy?

**Timmy** : What?

**Gonça** : I hope we win.

________________________________________________________________________

**Seppl** : Sometimes he takes things entirely literal. Metaphors go right over his head.

**Kevin** : Nothing goes over my head. My reflexes are excellent and I would catch it.

________________________________________________________________

**Gonça** : Who accidentally droped their cellphone into their soup?

**Aymen** : It wasn't an accident. I wanted to see if it could float.

___________________________________________________________________

**Kevin** : Let me ask you something. I'm hot.

**Jan** : Is that a question?

________________________________________________________________

**Bas** : Seppl, when I die, I don't care who else is at my funeral as long as you're there.

**Seppl** : Of course I'll be there. The murderer always shows up to throw off the police.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you want an additional chapter for Xmas ?

**Adi** : Well, my first rule would be that no one can veto my rules.

**Ilse** : Well, that's called tyranny. And it's generally frawned upon.

____________________________________________________

**Ante** : We have fun, don't we, Mijat?

**Mijat** : I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.

______________________________________________________

**Jan** : Kevin, I never doubted you for a moment!

**Kevin** : Thank you Jan. You're lying, though, right?

**Jan** : Yes. I doubted you very strongly.

________________________________________________________

**Seppl, to Adi** : Burr, let's talk about this plan of yours. I think it's good, except it sucks. So let ME do the plan, and that way it might be really good.

_________________________________________________________

**Dom** : I have an idea.

**Seppl** : A good one?

**Dom** : Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

___________________________________________________________

_I recently joined the 2 step program. The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is ignoring it._

David Ángel Abraham

_____________________________________________________________

**Gonça** : How's the most beautiful person in the universe doing?

**Timmy** : I don't know, how--

**André, from across the room** : I'm doing great, thanks.

__________________________________________________________

**Tuta** : Why are you helping me?

**David** : Because my life right now is a mess, and I compulsively take care of other people when I don't know how to take care of myself.

________________________________________________________

**Bas** : What the hell is wrong with you?

**Seppl** : I have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself but still think I'm better than everyone else.

_________________________________________________________

**Gonça** : I'm like... Dropping hints that I'm single.

*Five minutes later*

**Gonça** , **to** **Timmy** : I'm single.


	33. Chapter 33

**Erik** : Good morning.

**Aymen** : Good morning.

**Nils** : Good morning.

**Seppl** : You all sound like robots, why don't you spice it up a bit?

**Kevin** : Well--

**Felix** , **interrupting** **Kevin** : MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS.

_________________________________________________

**Dom** : This is my ex-boyfriend.

**Danny** : I told you to stop calling me that.

**Danny** : I'm his husband.

____________________________________________________

**Gonça** : Petition to see the stars during the daytime, please.

**David** : Martin Hinteregger already exists.

____________________________________________________

**Kevin** : Okay, Jan. If I was the last man on Earth, would you date me then?

**Jan** : If you were the last man, I wouldn't exist.

**Kevin** :

**Kevin** : Fuck.

_____________________________________________________

**Evan** : Oh my god. I hate you. Leave me alone.

**Almamy** : I'm trying. Let go of my arm.

________________________________________________________

_Turns out the world doesn't resolve around me. Shocked and upset._

André Silva

_________________________________________________________

**Gonça** : I'm always straight.

**Timmy** : Oh man, that's the biggest lie you've ever told.

__________________________________________________________

**Jan** : Aww babe you had a crush on me? That's embarrassing.

**Kevin** : We're married.

**Jan** : Still though.

___________________________________________________________

**Ilse** : Aren't you gay?

**Hinti** : I like how you imply that I have done something heterosexual.

___________________________________________________________

_The reason I sin is because there's a stairway to heaven and a highway to hell and I sure as shit ain't climbing no stairs._

Dominik Kohr


	34. Chapter 34

**Felix** : Freddy and I are dating.

**Everyone** : *Gasps*

**Felix** : Freddy, why are YOU surprised?!

____________________________________________

**Danny and Dom** : *Bickering*

**Dom** : I want a divorce!

**Danny** : We're not even engaged!

**Dom** : And whose fault is that?!

_________________________________________________

**Fredi** : *Looks at Niko seductively*

**Fredi** : *Lowers glasses*

**Fredi** : Damn I can't see a thing!

___________________________________________________

**David** : Being gay is not a choice.

**David, holding Hinti like a trophy** : But it's a game and I have won.

____________________________________________________

**Aymen** : Are you pro-gay?

**Steven** : Well I'm not pro-gay but I'm not amateur gay either.

_______________________________________________________

**Bas** : Tomorrow is garbage day.

**Seppl** : I can't believe they have a whole day dedicated to you.

________________________________________________________

**Kevin, banging on the door** : Felix, open up!

**Felix** : It all started when I was eleven...

**Kevin** : No, I meant--

**Jan** : Let him finish.

_______________________________________________________

**Aymen, about Tuta** : I don't have a crush on him!

**Aymen** : He's just someone I stare at and I like, and when he's not there it ruins my day.

________________________________________________________

**Timmy** : Gonça and I don't have pet names for each other.

**Kevin** : Uh huh, hey, you know what bees make, right?

**Timmy** : Honey?

**Gonça, from the next room** : Yes, dear?

**Kevin** : Don't lie to my face ever again.

___________________________________________________________

**Filip** : *trips and falls on top of André*

**André** : Looks like someone became the first man to land on the sun.


	35. Chapter 35

**Hinti** : How much impulse control have you lost without Steven around?

**Ilse** : Bold of you to assume I had any to begin with.

______________________________________________________

**Aymen** : Shrek came out 19 years ago.

**Tuta** : I didn't know Shrek was gay too.

________________________________________________________

**David** : Alright now, everyone may I have your attention. I have an announcement to make and I only have a minute.

**Seppl** : Why? You're in a hurry?

**David** : No, I was referring to your relatively short attention spans.

__________________________________________________________

 **Dom** : Want to have a baby, Danny? Your smile, my everything else. That baby would be unstoppable.

____________________________________________________________

_It's not my fault I help boys realize they're gay._

Gonçalo Paciencia

______________________________________________________________

_I'm not interested in being polite. Or heterosexual._

André Silva

_______________________________________________________________

**Niko** : What did I tell you about comparing the Bayern board to the Devil?

**Ante** : That it's offensive to the Devil.

**Niko** : N O

_________________________________________________________________

**Dejan, as a kid** : I can't wait till I'm grown up so I can stay up late EVERY NIGHT.

**Dejan, as an adult, crawling to bed at 6.30pm** : Oh thank god.

__________________________________________________________________

**Gonça** : Have you seen David? I can't find him.

**Timmy** : I suggest checking under Martin.

**Gonça** : TIMMY!

_____________________________________________________________________

_I may be a disaster, but I'm a disaster with a world cup. Fight me._

Erik Durm


	36. Chapter 36

**David** : What even is your type?

 **Gonça** : I don't... I don't have a type. I... Just. Men.

 **David** , **nodding** : Big mood.

____________________________________________________

 **Leon** : You have no idea what I'm capable of!

 **Lukas** : Don't take it personally, but I feel like I'm being threatened by a cupcake.

_____________________________________________________

 **Adi** : You're straight, right?

 **Ilse** : Oh god, no. Please tell me what I did to give you that impression so I can stop doing it forever.

_______________________________________________________

 **Mijat** : I hate you with every inch of my body!

 **Ante** : Well, that's not a lot of inches.

_________________________________________________________

 **Gonça** : A girl just asked me out.

 **André** : Okay... Ooh, free dinner.

 **Gonça** : André, I don't like girls.

 **André** : You like dinner.

___________________________________________________________

 **Steven** : I don't give a damn.

 **Dom** : You give so many damns they're visible from space.

____________________________________________________________

 **Erik** : Am I the only straight one here?

 **Daichi** : I've seen the way you look at Dominik. You're not even that straight.

_____________________________________________________________

 **Gonça** : What happened between me and Timothy Chandler was a complete secret.

 **Gonça** : So, naturally, the whole Germany knows about it.

______________________________________________________________

_Everytime I look in the mirror, God looks back._

André Silva

_______________________________________________________________

 **Timmy** : I want a big, strong man.

 **Gonça** :

 **Timmy** : Who's a brunette...

 **Gonça** :

 **Timmy** :... With a rugged beard.

 **Gonça, tearing up** : If you want Giroud so bad just say so.

 **Timmy** : OH FOR FUCKS SAKE


	37. Chapter 37

**David** : Have you ever read something so explicit that you feel like you need to go to church and stay there for a year?

**Gonça** : Send it to me.

_____________________________________________

**Marijan** : Does Adi know?

**Dejan** : Bitch the only thing Adi knows about me is just enough to identify me on a morgue table.

_______________________________________________

**Adi** : What are you drinking?

**Fredi** : Vodka.

**Adi** : Straight?

**Fredi** : No, gay.

**Adi** : NOT YOU, THE VODKA!

__________________________________________________

**Jan** : Yeah, well, I hate you.

**Kevin** : No you don't.

**Jan, bitterly** : No, I don't.

___________________________________________________

**Martin** : What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

**Martin** : A Tra-jeudi.

**Evan** :...

**Evan** : I'm leaving.

____________________________________________________

**Gonça** : Bro--

**Timmy** : I just had my tongue in your mouth five minutes ago, don't you dare call me 'bro'

_____________________________________________________

*Police sirens in the distance*

**Dejan, who has never done anything wrong in his life** : They've found me.

_______________________________________________________

**Felix** : I spy with my little eye, something that begins with the letter 'S'

**Freddy** : *looks over at Kevin and Jan*

**Freddy** : Is it 'sexual tension'?

_________________________________________________________

**Steven** : I have three moods, Ilse.

**Ilse** : Which are?

**Steven** : Fuck you, Fuck off, and Fuck me.

__________________________________________________________

**Dom** : I win.

**Danny** : I have you pinned to the ground.

**Dom** : I know.


	38. Chapter 38

**Almamy** : Your rap name is ''Young'' + the last thing that made you happy.

**Filip** : Young nothing.

___________________________________________

**Ragnar** : Thanks for getting us donuts!

**Danny** : Bold of you to assume I was going to share.

_____________________________________________

*In a group chat*

**Ilse** : A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.

**Ilse** : The bartender says ''Sorry we don't serve food here''

[Ilse has been removed from the chat]

________________________________________________

**Aymen** : I can't go. Stress is bad for the baby.

**Tuta** : What baby?

**Aymen** : Me.

__________________________________________________

**Seppl** : That would go against my moral compass.

**Bas** : Your moral compass is a fucking roulette wheel Rode.

____________________________________________________

**Timmy** : Wait, did you just flirt with me?

**Gonça** : Have been for the past two years but thanks for noticing.

_____________________________________________________

**Dejan** : Some people give off a vibe right away. They're like, ''don't fuck with me''.

**Dejan** : My vibe is more, ''Hey you could pour hot soup in my lap and I'd probably apologize to you''

_______________________________________________________

**Filip** : Did you tell anyone that we're dating?

**André** : Yes, Filip, I have no self control and told everyone that we're dating.

**Filip** : Okay, no need for sarcasm.

**André** : No, seriously. I have no self control and told the whole team we're dating.

___________________________________________________________

**Steven** : I have to ask you a favor. It's about my clothes.

**Ilse** : Burn them!

**Djibi** : Burn them all!!!

_____________________________________________________________

**Felix** : I think I'm in love with you.

**Freddy** : You mean as friends?


	39. Chapter 39

**Gonça** : Timmy look, I'm melting butter!

**Timmy** : That's great Gonça. You now have the cooking skills of a hot day.

____________________________________________

**Gonça** : Okay David, if you have 10 cookies and Hinti asks for 5, how many cookies would you have left?

**David** : Zero.

**Hinti** : David, it's basic maths.

**David** : Because I'd give all of them to Hinti.

**Hinti** : *struggling to hold back tears*

_______________________________________________

Alternative responses to ''I love you''

**Seppl** : Thanks

**David** : *laughs nervously*

**Hinti** : I'm sorry

**André** : Who doesn't?

**Makoto** : A horrible decision, really

**Erik** : *laughs hysterically*

**Ilse** : *finger guns*

**Amin** : *softly* I know

**Evan** : Why

**Kevin** : YEET

**Steven** : If only there was someone who loved you

__________________________________________________

**Hinti** : This is gonna be awesome, David! We'll be like Romeo and Juliet!

**David** : Do you even know how Romeo and Juliet ends?

**Hinti** : Yeah! There's kissing!

____________________________________________________

**David** : You kissed me

**Hinti** : Yes, I did.

**David** : Should we...? I mean... There's a discussion that we could have if you want to have one?

**Hinti** : David, I kissed you, with tongue, and I plan to do it again and again! Get used to it. End of discussion.

_____________________________________________________

**Adi** : I screw up, big time.

**Fredi** : Adi, given your daily life experience, you're going to have to be more specific.

________________________________________________________

**Almamy** : Do you love me?

**Evan** : Most days.

_________________________________________________________

**Daichi** : Hey can I have your number?

**Makoto** : No, it's for business.

**Daichi** : What kind of business?

**Makoto** : None of your business.

____________________________________________________________

**Steven** : You suck.

**Ilse** : I prefer positive feedback.

**Steven** : Oh sorry. You are very good at sucking.

_____________________________________________________________

**Martin** : The ocean is technically soup because it has salt veggies meat and it's been heating up.

**David** : It's 3am please...


	40. Chapter 40

**Jan** : I can't believe we're stuck in this room together!

**Kevin, swallowing the key :** Trulyunfortunate **.**

____________________________________________________

**Marijan** : The food is too hot, I can't eat it.

**Dejan** : You're too hot and I still eat you.

**Marijan** : *blushes*

**Dejan** : *winks at him*

**Filip** : One dinner. I just want ONE DINNER.

________________________________________________________

**André** : Why would you give a knife to a child?

**Filip** : Dejan felt unsafe.

**André** : Now I feel unsafe!

**Filip** : I'm sorry.

**Filip** :... Would you like a knife?

___________________________________________________________

**Dom** : It's really muggy out today.

**Danny** : If I go outside and all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm going to kill you.

**Dom** : *sips coffee from a bowl*

_____________________________________________________________

**Ilse** : I've done a lot of dumb stuff.

**Hinti** : I witnessed the dumb stuff.

**Gonça** : I recorded the dumb stuff.

**Timmy** : I joined you in the dumb stuff.

**David** : I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF.

________________________________________________________________

**Jan** : You read my diary?

**Kevin** : At first, I didn't know that it was your diary.

**Kevin** : I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book.

___________________________________________________________________

**Steven** : How do Abraham and Hinteregger usually get out of these messes?

**Ilse** : They don't. They just make a bigger mess that cancels the first one out.

_____________________________________________________________________

**Dejan** , **learning** **English** : What are friends with benefits?

**Mijat** :... A very special type of friends...

**Dejan** : Hm... Like us?

**Mijat** : *chokes*

_________________________________________________________________________

**Bas** : I'm not doing too well.

**Bas** : I have this headache that comes and goes.

**Dom** : *walks into the room*

**Bas** : Oh look there is it again.

_________________________________________________________________________

[After Mijat left]

**Marijan** : Are you okay?

**Dejan** : Yes... Why?

**Marijan** : Because you asked the clerk at the store earlier if damage repair shampoo also works on emotions.


	41. Chapter 41

**Fredi** : Repeat after me : ''I can do this. I can do this.''

**Niko** : Fredi Bobić can do this. Fredi Bobić can do this.

**Fredi** : No no no. YOU can do this. Say ''I''

______________________________________________

**Steven** : Ugly today. Ugly tomorrow. Ugly forever.

**Ilse** : Beautiful you.

_______________________________________________

**Adi** : I had NOTHING to do with it.

**Adi** : Okay, it was my idea but I don’t feel good about it.

________________________________________________

**Niko** : Can you do me a weird favor without asking any question ?

**Fredi** : Isn’t that the bedrock upon which our friendship is founded ?

___________________________________________________

**Luka** : you people have issue.

**Ante** : Well of course I have issues ! *points to Niko* I love my coach !

______________________________________________________

**David** : Here, let’s synchronize our watches.

**Hinti** : I don’t know how to do that.

**Timmy** : I don’t wear a watch.

**Gonça** : Time is a social construct.

_______________________________________________________

**Marijan** : I hate you.

**Dejan** : I hate myself too.

**Marijan** :

**Marijan** : Dej, no--

_______________________________________________________

[Hinti looking for David]

**Martin** : Have you seen this man?

**Martin** : Average height, brown hair, brown eyes.

**Martin** : Clearly gay but hasn't realized it yet.

________________________________________________________

**Steven** : If you ever need me, I'm there for you 24/6.

**Ilse** : Don't you mean 24/7?

**Steven** : No, Saturday's are made dates with destiny.

___________________________________________________________

**Dom** : Danny is on a holiday with his parents so I'm gonna cut all the sleeves off my shirt.

**Erik** : Why?

**Dom** : He's like 85% of my impulse control.


	42. Chapter 42

**Markus** : Dear Diary, you are never going to believe what I'm about to write down in you-

___________________________________________________________

[Munich, 2019]

 **Niko** : I have no fear.

 **Goretzka** : Kimmich is almost as tall as you.

 **Niko** : I have one fear.

_____________________________________________________________

 **André** : What a beautiful night. Isn't it a beautiful night?

 **Gonça** : Filip finally texted you back, didn't he?

 **André** : With the knife emoji.

 **Gonça** :

______________________________________________________________

 **Aymen** : Amin? Can you... Check under my bed for monsters?

 **Amin** : Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there's a monster under there it's going to kill us both.

_________________________________________________________

 **David** : Are you crazy?

 **Hinti** : I wouldn't say crazy. Maybe an eccentric who looks good in jeans.

_________________________________________________________

_So stand back y'all, cause it's time for a real main character to take the field._

Filip during every game

__________________________________________________________

 **Steven, sarcastically** : Are you going to help or are you too pretty?

 **Dom** : I'm too pretty.

___________________________________________________________

 **Seppl** : Not everything on the internet is true.

 **André** : So there aren't beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me?

__________________________________________________________

 **Timmy** : I have an excellent gaydar. I can determine whether someone is gay or hot with just a glance.

 **Danny** : Gonça has been in love with you for years.

 **Timmy** : He what?

________________________________________________________

 **Aymen** : A good romance starts with a good friendship.

 **Tuta** : A bad romance starts with ''Rah rah rah ah ah, to ma ma ga ga, ohh la la''


	43. Chapter 43

**Dejan** : I can't lie to Filip!

**Marijan** : Okay, then I'll do it.

_______________________________________________

**Ilse** : Babe, it's time to wake up.

**Steven** : I'm not sleeping, I'm dead. Leave flowers and get out.

_________________________________________________

*Loud bang*

**David** : What was that?

**Martin, from the other room** : My shirt fell.

**David** : It sounded louder than that.

**Martin** : I was still in it.

__________________________________________________

**Felix** : Have I ever told you how much I love you?

**Kevin** : We're not getting Burger King.

**Felix** : This is bullshit.

_____________________________________________________

**Dejan** : I want to live in a Hozier song.

**Marijan** : Then take your ass to church.

_____________________________________________________

**Timmy** : My father didn't raise me to be a quitter. In fact, my father didn't raise me.

_______________________________________________________

**Hinti** : My hands are cold.

**David** , **holding** **Martin's** **hands** : There you go.

**Hinti** :

**Hinti** : For some reason, my lips are getting cold too.

________________________________________________________

**André** : My mom always said that opposites attract.

**Filip** : That's magnets. We're people.

__________________________________________________________

**Kevin, sighing** : There's no one who understands me.

**Jan** : Sorry, I have no idea what you mean.

___________________________________________________________

**Tuta** : We're adults.

**Aymen** : When did that happen?

**Nils** : And how do we make it stop?


	44. Chapter 44

_Oh, hey, now we know one more thing that can't kill you._

Everyone to Bas Dost

______________________________________________

 **Gonça** : But Timmy said I'm not his type.

 **David** : That's impossible, you're everyone's type.

_______________________________________________

 **Daichi** : I... I've been living a lie.

 **Makoto** : Just one? I'm living, like, twenty.

_______________________________________________

 **Zlatan, about himself** : He's Nosferatu.

 **Ante** : He's Italian?

 **Zlatan** : No, it means the undead.

_________________________________________________

 **Niko** : You know, hugs are my drug of choice.

__________________________________________________

 **Jetro** , **after** **coming** **back** : How we doing?

 **Timmy** : Same as always.

 **Jetro** : That bad, uh ?

____________________________________________________

 **Felix** : If I get sick of Freddy, can I return him to you?

 **Jan** : Nope. No return policy.

_____________________________________________________

**Tuta** : You know you're not our dad, right?

**David** : Stop acting like kids, I'll stop acting like your dad.

_______________________________________________________

**Niko** : Have you tried yelling?

**Jürgen** : I have no idea what you're referring to, but of course I've tried yelling.

_________________________________________________________

**Gonça** : How do you say ''horses'' in Dutch?

**Bas** : Paarden.

**Gonça** : HOW DO YOU SAY ''HORSES'' IN DUTCH?


	45. Chapter 45

**Adi** : You kissed a guy?

**Ilse** : In my defense, it was dark and he was a pretty guy.

_________________________________________________________

**Aymen** : How much power do we have?

**Tuta** : Barely enough to run this coffee pot for nine hours.

___________________________________________________________

**Dom** : I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!

**Erik** : Yes, you have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.

____________________________________________________________

**Seppl** : Do you have any idea what you want you're doing?

**Ilse** : Why start now?

____________________________________________________________

**Tuta** : Change is inedible.

**Aymen** : Don't you mean inevitable?

**Tuta** , **spitting** **out** **a** **mouthful** **of** **nickels** : No.

______________________________________________________________

**Mijat** : Did you just call me a shrimp, you asshole?! I'm only 25 years old, I'm still growing, dammit!

__________________________________________________________________

**Erik** : I dare you to-

**Danny** : Dominik isn't allowed to accept dares.

**Dom** : Apparently I have ''no regard for my personal safety''.

___________________________________________________________________

**Timmy** : I'd die for you.

**Gonça** : I'd die for YOU.

**David** : NO ONE HERE IS DYING!

_______________________________________________________________________

**Niko** : We don't use bad words in this house.

**Ante** , **distantly** : FUCK

_________________________________________________________________________

**Aymen** : I wish we could block people in real life.

**Hinti** : A restraining order.

**Steven** : Murder.


	46. Chapter 46

**Filip** : I like people.

 **André** : You hate people!

 **Filip** : I'm trying to like people. It's just, y'know, so hard to weed through the stupid ones.

_____________________________________________________________________

 **Aymen** : Aw shucks.

 **Steven** : Hey I'm upset too but let's watch the fucking language.

______________________________________________________________________

[After Mijat left]

 **Dejan** , **stabbing** **a** **straw** **into** **a** **Caprisun** : I guess I'll just drink my sorrows away.

_________________________________________________________________________

[During a press conference]

 **Adi** : Thank god we've left our bad days behind us.

 **Adi** : Now even worse days are about to come.

__________________________________________________________________________

 **Marijan** : Today is all about having a great day with my partner in crime.

 **Dejan** : That's me! I love crime!

______________________________________________________________________________

 **Timmy** : Leave Gonça alone! He's going through a lot right now!

 **Djibril** : We all are! Everyone is in a constant state of falling apart!

________________________________________________________________________

 **Steven** : What is wrong with you?

 **Ilse** : Loaded question. Elaborate.

__________________________________________________________________________

 **Aymen** : sjskzkzl

 **Bas** : How do I do that?

 **Aymen** : Just press anything on your keyboard.

 **Bas** : Okay.

 **Bas** : 7

_________________________________________________________________________

 **Steven** : *feels an emotion*

 **Steven** : Who the fuck authorized this?

________________________________________________________________________

 **André** : Get up you sexy bitches, time to sin.


	47. Chapter 47

**Luka** : How tall are you?

**Mijat** : Height is a social construct.

**Luka** : So you're short.

________________________________________________

**Aymen** : I had forgotten how beautiful you are.

**André** : Aww Aymen! *chuckles* You're too sweet!

**Tuta** , **coughing** : André, he's talking to me.

__________________________________________________

**Fredi** : You know, you can be a real jackass.

**Adi** : You're just finding this out now?

___________________________________________________

**Seppl** : Son of a bitch...

**Bas** : You called?

____________________________________________________

**Hinti** : Look, I made a spoon hat!

**Ilse** : Well, that explains why I'm having to eat my soup with a fork.

_____________________________________________________

**Freddy** : Can I ask a dumb question?

**Jan** : Better than anyone I know.

______________________________________________________

**Adi** : Now, what are the three stages of life?

**Hinti** : Life.

**Ilse** : What the fuck is this.

**Steven** : Death.

________________________________________________________

**Kidnapper** : We have your friend, pay us and you'll have him back.

**Filip** : Which one of my friend?

**Kidnapper** , **while** **André** **looks** **at** **him** **intensely** : The hot one.

**Filip** : He made you say it, right?

**Kidnapper** , **in** **tears** : Can you just come and take him?

__________________________________________________________

**Fredi** : I love you, Niko.

**Niko** : I love you too... Totally in a non-sexual way.

**Fredi** : I can't say the same.

__________________________________________________________

[Before the game against Arsenal]

**Daichi** : I feel a mighty need to kick these English guys out of our way!

**Evan** : Lead the way Jeanne d'Arc!


	48. Chapter 48

**David** : Are you sober?

 **Martin** : I'm moderately functional.

 **David** :... I'll take that as a no.

__________________________________________________

 **Gonça** : Guess what?

 **Timmy** : What?

 **Gonça** : No, you have to guess.

______________________________________________________

*at their wedding, during the vows*

 **Ante** : Babe, I do have some bad news. There's a bomb at this wedding.

 **Luka** : WHAT??!!

 **Ante** : Your butt. Your butt is the bomb. There will be no survivors.

_______________________________________________________

Can I copy your homework?

 **I'll help you with it** : Kevin, Dejan, Djibril, Danny, Erik, Freddy, Markus, Amin.

 **Bold of you to assume I did the homework** : Martin, Daichi, Nils, André, Rodrigo, Ajdin, Jabez.

 **Lol nope** : Evan, Timmy, Dom, Ragnar, Tuta, Marijan, Steven.

 **Wait we had homework???** : Stefan, Almamy, Aymen, Gonça, Elias.

 ***read 5:55pm*** : Bas, Filip, Seppl, David, Makoto, Jetro.

________________________________________________________

 **André** , **about** **Filip** : He's single, I'm single... He's pretty, I'm pretty...

_________________________________________________________

 **Nina** **Chandler** : Are you an idiot?

 **Gonça** : No, ma'am. I'm a dreamer.

_________________________________________________________

 **Daichi** : I'm sorry I almost got us killed.

 **Makoto** : I'm used to it.

__________________________________________________________

 **Bas** : Anything to declare ?

 **Seppl** : I hate you.

__________________________________________________________

 **Fredi, pointing at Robby** : Badass.

 **Fredi, pointing at himself** : Smartass.

 **Fredi, pointing at Niko** : Nice ass.

____________________________________________________________

 **Bas** : There is no final version of yourself. We never stop growing or changing.

 **Seppl** : Actually there is, it's called a corpse.


	49. Chapter 49

**Danny** : Crushes are the worst.

 **Branimir** : Yeah, whenever I'm near someone I have a crush on I just act stupid.

 **Danny** : You're always acting stupid.

 **Branimir** : Yeah, don't think too hard on that.

__________________________________________________

 **David Garcia** : I'm gay... For cheese.

 **Lucas** : Cheese?

 **David Garcia** : Cheese...

_____________________________________________________

 **Gonça** : Timmy is my best friend! We share a toothbrush!

 **Timmy** :

 **Timmy** : I wasn't aware of that.

 **Gonça** : Well we do!

______________________________________________________

 **Jürgen** : I need you.

 **Niko** : For?

 **Jürgen** : Ever.

 **Niko, voice cracking** : Oh...

_______________________________________________________

 **Kevin** : Don't give me that look, if I had known I would have told you.

 **Markus** : Somehow, I highly doubt that.

________________________________________________________

 **Hinti** : In alcohol's defense, I've done some dumb shit while completely sober too.

__________________________________________________________

 **André** : I want to change the world.

 **Gonça** : For the better?

 **André** :

 **Gonça** : André?

 **Gonça** : Answer me, André.

_____________________________________________________________

 **Bas** : Why are you so hateful?

 **Seppl** : I'm full of love you bitch.

_____________________________________________________________

 **Filip** : Do you ever hear those voices in your head anymore?

 **Steven** : Sometimes.

 **Filip** : What do they say?

 **Steven** : Sometimes they make plans to murder everyone whitin a ten feet radius... Others they remind me to pick up chips for Ilse because Ilse loves chips.

________________________________________________________________

 **Timmy** : I'm going to get groceries, what do you guys want?

 **Filip** : Power.

 **Steven** : Happiness.

 **Ilse** : More brain cells.

 **Timmy** : I only have like... Twenty euros.


	50. Chapter 50

**Special chapter!!**

**& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

**Cashier** : Wow, 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese! Having a party tonight?

 **Felix** :

 **Felix** : Sure.

__________________________________________________________

 **Marijan** : Dejan loves Jacuzzis.

 **Dejan** : Sometimes I pretend I've been captured by witches and they're using me to make human soup.

____________________________________________________________

 **David** : Actually all of my systems are nervous.

____________________________________________________________

 **Gonça** : You see...

 **Gonça** : The difference between ''boyfriend'' and ''boy friend'' is that little space that we call the friend zone.

_____________________________________________________________

 **Kevin** : Dr. Kevin Trapp, PH.D.

 **Markus** : What does PH.D stand for?

 **Kevin** : Pretty Handsome Dude.

______________________________________________________________

 **Adi** : So, how was the wedding?

 **Hinti** : It was an emotional experience.

 **Ilse** : Even the cake was in tiers.

______________________________________________________________

 **Bas** : The most hated people live the longest.

_______________________________________________________________

We had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

Jürgen, to Niko

_________________________________________________________________

 **Ilse** : Hey, I've seen worse!

 **Djibi** : Really?

 **Ilse** : No. We are most definitely fucked.

_________________________________________________________________

 **Erik** : I wish there was a better way to deal with Dominik.

 **Steven** : There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.

__________________________________________________________________

 **Alex** : I should've burned this place down when I had the chance.

___________________________________________________________________

 **Fredi** : Do you have protections?

 **Niko** : Yeah, I always do... *points out Robby cracking his knuckles in the corner*

___________________________________________________________________

 **Makoto** : Did you have a plan?

 **Seppl** : I thought adrenaline would take over, but it did not.

_____________________________________________________________________

 **Steven** : I'll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I'll die.

_____________________________________________________________________

 **Kevin** : What's up Jan?

 **Jan, after another day of dealing with the rest of the kids** : My blood pressure.

_____________________________________________________________________

 **David** : Since I'm gonna be gone for a while, I've left a complementary bowl of advice.

 **David, picking a paper out of the bowl** : For example, ''Gonça, no'' applies to everything.

_______________________________________________________________________

[Munich, 2019]

 **Flick, slightly concerned** : When was the last time you slept?

 **Niko, holding his 7th coffee cup** : Yes.

_________________________________________________________________________

 **Steven** : Apparently the bad vibes I've been feeling are actually ''severe psychological distress''

__________________________________________________________________________

 **Filip** : Stay quiet. Don't say a word.

 **Ajdin** :

 **Ajdin** : Fergulus.

 **Filip** : Ajdin, I said no words.

 **Ajdin** : Oh, I see how it is. Two weeks ago, we're playing scrabble, it's not a word. Now suddenly because it's convenient to you--

______________________________________________________________________________

 **Adi** : Well, well, well, if it isn't my old friend : the downing realization that I fucked up real bad.


	51. Chapter 51

**Danny** : How did you guys get in a car crash?

**Timmy** : Well, there was a deer in the road and this idiot didn't see it, so I said ''Gonça, deer!''

**Danny** : And?

**Timmy** : Do you want to tell him what you said or should I?

**Gonça, sighing** : I said ''Yes, honey?''

_________________________________________________

**Ilse** : Why is Aymen carrying around a potted plant?

**Steven** : He asked too many stupid questions today so I'm making him carry that to make up for all the oxygen he wasted.

___________________________________________________

**Niko** : I feel on top of the world.

**Jürgen** : Actually, you're just on top of me.

**Niko** : I know.

**Niko** : You are my world.

**Jürgen** : *blushes*

____________________________________________________

**Bas** : I'm a joke!

**André** : You're not a joke, you have to be funny to be a joke.

_____________________________________________________

**Marijan** : I'm going to bed.

**Filip** : It's noon.

**Marijan** : Time is an illusion.

______________________________________________________

**Hinti** : Can I have a ''heck yeah''?

**Filip** : Hell no.

**Hinti** : Close enough!

_________________________________________________________

**Adi** : I like saying ''no''. It lowers their enthusiasm.

___________________________________________________________

**Niko** : Well, Fuck.

**Fredi** : We'll.

____________________________________________________________

**Ilse** : You're looking a little unsteady there.

**Hinti, drunk** : Says the guy with three heads.

______________________________________________________________

**Adi** : I'm trusting you all to-

**Makoto** : A terrible decision, really.


End file.
